“I don’t think most Players, aka men who commit infidelity, have affairs, or commit adultery enjoy what they do…”

As a Marriage and Family therapist, I can not think of a faster way to commit professional Hara-Kiri (Japanese method of ritual suicide) then to state that I believe this statement.  In my workplace alone, I’ve been verbally gang assaulted by otherwise loving, and caring female co-workers.  Of course Infidelity is difficult on a relationship.  I don’t deny that.  But, their are enough media moguls, therapist, moon lighting so- called relationship experts out there to talk about how infidelity is bad.  However that facts remain:

• 15% of wives admit to having a “Sexual” extramarital affair at least once in their relationship
• 25% of Men admit to the same

Add in the nasty naughty conversations with your “other than your partner” friend (wink wink), late night browsing on Ashley madison.Com, sensual emotional conversations about what you’re missing in your current relationship, snap chat, erotic photos and booty shots… well then the numbers look a little something like this:

• 35% of wives admit to having an extramarital affair
• 45% of men admit the same

Keep in mind, the key word here is “ADMIT”.  Now I know its been a fews years since I’ve retired from the ranks and file of the New York City Police Department…but ADMITTING is not as common as Donald Trump saying something outrageous that would piss off the majority of Americans.  We usually say “If they say its the truth, then it’s probably closer to Half the truth”.  Double the numbers above and tell me what you get…that’s more like the truth.  I went to school to study Psychology so that I could look smart without being able to explain calculus.

So can a marriage survive an affair? Absolutely! Actually most do.  Even more so, many become stronger afterwards and over 50% report that the affair was the catalyst that initiated couples counseling with a Marriage and Family Therapist, to resolve many of the issues the couple had to begin with, but did not feel it was the right time to discuss.  So back to my taboo statement:  “I don’t think most Players, aka men who commit infidelity, have affairs, or commit adultery enjoy what they do…”

At least this has been my findings.  I currently run a support group for men called “SIPS” (Sexual Impulse Problems Support group for men).  The men that attend my group, outwardly appear strong, many are good looking, confident,  smart and Alpha male!  But, the story behind the man hasn’t been that historically.  Typically when we look at these similarities behind these men, they appear to fall into 3 categories:

 

 

• Men with hidden low self esteem
• Men who need ego boost to fit into the Social Context of their surroundings (i.e Fraternities, Athletes,  Corporate male dominated positions, etc…)
• Philanderers/Entitled Men

I don’t spend too much time dealing with the Men in group 3.  Philanderers in my opinion are still in the “Pre-contemplative” stage of their development.  However the other 2 certainly admit to wanting something more concrete in their lives and till this day, I haven’t had one state that “Their man goal in life is to be a better player, commit more infidelity, have more affairs”.   They normally have all the same values as one would expect from a loving husband or partner:  Family, Children, Love, God, Career.  Why doesn’t “The Game” make the list?  Well this is where the group has been so helpful for the men who attend.  There’s no game in the room.  A player can’t run game on another player as easily.  The men see through each other and help each to find better ways to deal with the anxieties of life.  This group, one would think, would be full of laughs and chuckles about their latest affair, but instead its occupied by sighs and tears.  “Don’t hate the player…Hate the Game”  This is a mantra that I’ve learned long ago and hear from players all the time.  Players don’t want be hated.  But, many do want to get out of the game.  Players are frequently addicted to the highs of arousal, orgasm, passion and the validation that is achieved, by yet another person stating “I accept you as you are”.  I accept you.  I never thought those words alone could be so powerful.  But, in a world where material gain is equal to worth, when the male ego is just barely able to keep it’s head above water…The game can act as a sufficient floatation device.

SIPS meets on the 2nd and 4th Thursday every month at my office in Fayetteville, GA.  For more information contact me at jdoute@yourtherapistoffice.com  All information shared in SIPS is private and confidential.  When you’re ready to get out of the game, there is a place to go to throw your cards in.