FYE Couples Counseling Warning!

If he shows that he wants me… “I’ll Make him wait!…instead of picking up the phone on the second ring…I let it go to voicemail a couple of times. He’ll want me more then. I read in a book on relationships written by a famous comedian that, that’s the way to build passion in a relationship. The book is a best seller! … Oh! Did you see the couple on Dr. X yesterday on television? Yeah Dr. X said You should never let a man know how much you love him, because then he’ll take it for granted. keep him always wondering…

FYE (For your Entertainment ONLY!). There are a plethora of T.V. shows, Movies, Sitcoms, Reality Shows that depict actors, comedians, talk show hosts and even sometimes real Therapist giving couples counseling or advice on relationships for the viewers enjoyment.

Well, for sure if the viewers are enjoying what they see, either humans are more sadistic than they portray or these shows are geared purposely for rating, and viewer’s interest…perhaps it’s both. Perhaps Humans are sadistic and enjoy viewing the agony of others. With all that being said. I’m certainly not against entertainment. However, the line becomes blurry when these FYE Couples Counseling shows pretend that this is reality or real couples counseling. Watching a real couples counseling sessions is nothing close to enjoyable. It’s reeks with the pain, hurt, discomfort and some times years of agonizing trauma that someone has experienced which may be interfering with their ability to establish a lasting love. However, if I had a penny for every time someone walked into a couples counseling session with me and cited a Comedian’s book on relationships, or Dr. X’s TV show, or the movie with that sexy guy with the six pack that looks just like “your husband?”, well needless to say, I wouldn’t have to counsel couples anymore, because I’d be rich.

Couples Counseling is a journey into the most sensitive areas of people’s lives. It’s hardly what you see on television or read in books. People’s hidden fears, attachment needs, raw spots are hardly the stuff that makes for laughter or teeth sucking gestures, but instead tears and guttural swallows of lumps in your throat that barely go down.

I’ve shed more tears in, and after couples sessions than I could ever have on my own…for my own reasons. It would feel 100% unethical for me to display that kind of hurt to the world for entertainment. I’m not knocking the shows. I’m just stating “Don’t bring that stuff into my office!” Real counseling takes place here. And while some of the information provided in these broadcast may be applicable to your relationship, the majority are not. Cookie Cutter couples counseling is simply not effective applicable to everyone. Every Couple is different. Every story is different.

What is the difference between FYE Counseling and the real thing?

I’m glad you asked. I watch. I enjoy. I admire motivational speakers, sometimes pastors, and actors giving commentary on relationships. It’s the biggest investment, I believe, that people can make in their health, prosperity and sense of wellness. However, when relationships go awry, couples need more than just great syntax. A licensed couples counselor grounds themselves and their work with a couple in theory. Researched, validated, ethical and tested research that covers a broad range of topics such: Human Development, Attachment theory, Object relations, systems theory and perhaps one or two more that I may have overlooked. However, the counseling is not based on what the counselor has experienced in his or her life…at least not at the foundation. While life experience does matter, the skilled “clinician” grounds his work within their theoretical orientation. What is the researched and validated evidence behind not letting someone know that you love them? Or not answering their call and letting it go to voicemail?. Evidence based clinicians like Dr. Sue Johnson would probably fall out of her seat if a clinician told her that works. Her model of therapy is researched and evidence based and clearly explains the relational need for partners to feel that their mates are Accessible, Responsive and Engaged as she wrote in her ground breaking book “Hold Me Tight” Her book is theoretically grounded in Emotionally Focused Therapy which is used by many couples therapist.

How do you determine if your couples counselor is evidenced based?

Ask questions. Here are a few questions one should consider before seeking couples counseling with someone who states they can help you:

• Are you licensed or certified by a reputable governing body? (i.e. The State in which you reside, AAMFT, ICEEFT, etc…)
• Are you insured? (while this is not a standard of competency, malpractice is necessary when bad things happen)
• What is your theoretical orientation towards couples counseling? (this is not a long winded answer. Most couples counselors can answer this question in one sentence or less)
• Is Couples Counseling your specialty? Do you receive continue education or supervision in this area? (Many mental health licenses PERMIT couples counseling, but not all therapist are TRAINED couples counselors)

This list and these questions are not exhaustive, but it will begin the conversation. There is one caveat to the above information. Some couples have simple disagreements. They may just need communication skills tweaking. For this type of couple, any self-help book will do, although I’d probably advise against it. Not all self-help books fit all problems… even if you think you know what it is. Speaking to a relationship professional could still be beneficial to pointing you in the right direction. When I opened my practice in Fayetteville, GA, I knew couples counseling is what I wanted to do. Like other therapist, I hold many other certifications, but couples counseling is my passion. If you need more resources to find a couples counselor in your area, websites such as www.aamft.org and www.iceeft.org are good places to start. If that doesn’t work and you’re in the Greater Atlanta area, please email me at: inquiry@yourtherapistoffice.com and my staff will point you in the right direction.